||[Oct. 21st, 2008|01:09 pm]
My life has been really stressful lately... I hate where I'm living. My housemate Ben is a controlling asshole and I really want to move out. I talked with my old landlord about moving into the one bedroom studio behind my old house. I think that I just need to live alone. I don't like the whole sharing everything hippy crap that Ben is trying to force on me. I like being more independent than that. Which might be stupid, but whatever. I'm going to blame it on me being an only child and needing my own space from time to time. I spend most of the week being social up on campus and when I actually go back to my house I don't want to hang out with Ben and Steve and Dan because I just need some time to myself. Ben complained about me being alone and just sitting in my room playing video games. I'm soo paranoid about him coming into my room and bitching at me for playing video games that I hardly ever play them now.
I'm not good at dealing with stress and video games were one of the few things that helped, and now I don't really have that anymore because I'm soo scared of Ben coming in and saying something to me about it. I talked with my parents about moving and they're all for it. I told them some of the ridiculous things that Ben has done and were very sympathetic to me. Most of my friends have been, except Sam. Sam thinks that I should stay and force myself to be happy because it'll be a good life lesson for me to learn to share or something like that. Not having her support hurt and kinda pissed me off because I'm miserable there. I don't know what I can do to make myself happy and Ben happy and Devin happy. I've been spending lots of time up on campus with Devin, like 5 or 6 nights a week. If I don't stay up with him then he gets lonely and depressed and if I don't stay at home then Ben gets pissed off at me for having a life outside of the house and not hanging out with him and Steve and Dan. Obviously I choose Devin over those people, but I still do like to try to make everyone happy...
I need to move with or without everyone's approval. I'm just scared about telling Ben about me moving. He's a very controlling person and knows pretty well by now how to manipulate me. I'll just put on my stupid young guy act or something and play it off. I'm not sure how he's going to take it. He might be happy that I'm moving since I don't participate with the house anymore. I think he's given up on me, which is nice. He's stopped calling or texting me. I haven't had any contact with him in over a week at this point I'm pretty sure. I only really see Dan. I think that Ben and Steve went on a gay cruise this week though... They have an open relationship so they go on gay cruises and hook up a bunch. They have a pretty fucked up relationship...
I've also been stressing about my relationship with Devin. I'm not always happy with him, which I suppose is normal... but I've been happy with him and just happy in general less and less lately... Part of that is house stress, but a lot of it is stress coming from Devin. Devin is selfish basically and doesn't put as much into the relationship as I do. I've come to accept this though from most people I know. I'm pretty sure that most people I know don't go out of their way to be as generous as I am, but I've resigned myself to this fact and am trying to live with it. I don't know how to be any other person than the one I am.
Devin and I had a long talk the other night about our relationship. He admitted to being selfish and that he feels really bad about it. He really appreciates all that I do for him, which made me feel good, but he also didn't really make any promises to change, and I really haven't seen a change in him since the talk. We also both admitted that we knew that I can do better. Devin is a good/ok boyfriend, but he's not an amazing boyfriend. He also said that he was going to be selfish again and not break up with me because he loves me soo much and doesn't want to lose me even though I can do better than him.
He does love me and wants me to be happy, so he told me to try to find someone better if I could. I really don't want to hurt him though... and I know that if i do find someone better and break up with him that it will break his heart and I don't know if I can do that to him... but at the same time I want be happy and find someone who will put in as much as I do. We decided to open things up a bit more, so that I can fool around with as many guys as I want now instead of just one, like we had agreed upon before. Part of my problem with Devin is that he's selfish in bed, and I don't always get that much pleasure out of our sex. I'm also still recovering from my penis surgery and it hurts to be hard which makes topping Devin difficult all of the time and he's a big bottom and really wants to be fucked more than I can, so he wants to be able to find a fuck buddy or something so that he can get topped more regularly and he said that when that need is met that he can then focus on me more.
He also said that he had no idea that what he was doing to me when we fool around as actually doing anything for me, despite the fact that I told him how good it was feeling. He said that one of the reasons that he doesn't do as much back is because he didn't want to be spending that energy making me feel good if ultimately it wasn't doing anything for me. I really enjoy being touched by him... and even if it doesn't get me close doesn't mean that he shouldn't touch me... I told him that what he had been doing did feel very good and did help me get closer, so hopefully he'll be better in bed now.
He has still hasn't made me cum yet... I've had to do it every time we've had sex, but that's no big surprise. Most guys don't seem to want to do that for me since it takes me soo long... but I'd still appreciate it if he'd try, especially since before me no guy had made him cum, and I've done that for him several times now.
There are just a lot of things about Devin that frustrate me... and I know that I can do better, but I'm also very attached to him and don't want to leave him... and besides all that, he lives up on campus and it's soo convenient to be able to stay in his room... sometimes I wonder if that's one of the main reasons why I'm with him... I don't really think that it is... but I think about that sometimes...
At least for now I get to look forward to some potentially awesome sex, which I haven't really had since I go together with Devin 5 months ago.
School, on the other hand, has not been stressful for me. I'm liking my classes, especially my Digital Printmaking class. I've been making t-shirt designs. I'm really happy with how they've been turning out. I'm going to try to put them all up on my Deviantart page today hopefully after lunch.