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Stresssssssss... [Oct. 21st, 2008|01:09 pm]
[Current Location |Devin's room]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |none]

My life has been really stressful lately... I hate where I'm living. My housemate Ben is a controlling asshole and I really want to move out. I talked with my old landlord about moving into the one bedroom studio behind my old house. I think that I just need to live alone. I don't like the whole sharing everything hippy crap that Ben is trying to force on me. I like being more independent than that. Which might be stupid, but whatever. I'm going to blame it on me being an only child and needing my own space from time to time. I spend most of the week being social up on campus and when I actually go back to my house I don't want to hang out with Ben and Steve and Dan because I just need some time to myself. Ben complained about me being alone and just sitting in my room playing video games. I'm soo paranoid about him coming into my room and bitching at me for playing video games that I hardly ever play them now.

I'm not good at dealing with stress and video games were one of the few things that helped, and now I don't really have that anymore because I'm soo scared of Ben coming in and saying something to me about it. I talked with my parents about moving and they're all for it. I told them some of the ridiculous things that Ben has done and were very sympathetic to me. Most of my friends have been, except Sam. Sam thinks that I should stay and force myself to be happy because it'll be a good life lesson for me to learn to share or something like that. Not having her support hurt and kinda pissed me off because I'm miserable there. I don't know what I can do to make myself happy and Ben happy and Devin happy. I've been spending lots of time up on campus with Devin, like 5 or 6 nights a week. If I don't stay up with him then he gets lonely and depressed and if I don't stay at home then Ben gets pissed off at me for having a life outside of the house and not hanging out with him and Steve and Dan. Obviously I choose Devin over those people, but I still do like to try to make everyone happy...

I need to move with or without everyone's approval. I'm just scared about telling Ben about me moving. He's a very controlling person and knows pretty well by now how to manipulate me. I'll just put on my stupid young guy act or something and play it off. I'm not sure how he's going to take it. He might be happy that I'm moving since I don't participate with the house anymore. I think he's given up on me, which is nice. He's stopped calling or texting me. I haven't had any contact with him in over a week at this point I'm pretty sure. I only really see Dan. I think that Ben and Steve went on a gay cruise this week though... They have an open relationship so they go on gay cruises and hook up a bunch. They have a pretty fucked up relationship...

I've also been stressing about my relationship with Devin. I'm not always happy with him, which I suppose is normal... but I've been happy with him and just happy in general less and less lately... Part of that is house stress, but a lot of it is stress coming from Devin. Devin is selfish basically and doesn't put as much into the relationship as I do. I've come to accept this though from most people I know. I'm pretty sure that most people I know don't go out of their way to be as generous as I am, but I've resigned myself to this fact and am trying to live with it. I don't know how to be any other person than the one I am.

Devin and I had a long talk the other night about our relationship. He admitted to being selfish and that he feels really bad about it. He really appreciates all that I do for him, which made me feel good, but he also didn't really make any promises to change, and I really haven't seen a change in him since the talk. We also both admitted that we knew that I can do better. Devin is a good/ok boyfriend, but he's not an amazing boyfriend. He also said that he was going to be selfish again and not break up with me because he loves me soo much and doesn't want to lose me even though I can do better than him.

He does love me and wants me to be happy, so he told me to try to find someone better if I could. I really don't want to hurt him though... and I know that if i do find someone better and break up with him that it will break his heart and I don't know if I can do that to him... but at the same time I want be happy and find someone who will put in as much as I do. We decided to open things up a bit more, so that I can fool around with as many guys as I want now instead of just one, like we had agreed upon before. Part of my problem with Devin is that he's selfish in bed, and I don't always get that much pleasure out of our sex. I'm also still recovering from my penis surgery and it hurts to be hard which makes topping Devin difficult all of the time and he's a big bottom and really wants to be fucked more than I can, so he wants to be able to find a fuck buddy or something so that he can get topped more regularly and he said that when that need is met that he can then focus on me more.

He also said that he had no idea that what he was doing to me when we fool around as actually doing anything for me, despite the fact that I told him how good it was feeling. He said that one of the reasons that he doesn't do as much back is because he didn't want to be spending that energy making me feel good if ultimately it wasn't doing anything for me. I really enjoy being touched by him... and even if it doesn't get me close doesn't mean that he shouldn't touch me... I told him that what he had been doing did feel very good and did help me get closer, so hopefully he'll be better in bed now.

He has still hasn't made me cum yet... I've had to do it every time we've had sex, but that's no big surprise. Most guys don't seem to want to do that for me since it takes me soo long... but I'd still appreciate it if he'd try, especially since before me no guy had made him cum, and I've done that for him several times now.

There are just a lot of things about Devin that frustrate me... and I know that I can do better, but I'm also very attached to him and don't want to leave him... and besides all that, he lives up on campus and it's soo convenient to be able to stay in his room... sometimes I wonder if that's one of the main reasons why I'm with him... I don't really think that it is... but I think about that sometimes...

At least for now I get to look forward to some potentially awesome sex, which I haven't really had since I go together with Devin 5 months ago.

School, on the other hand, has not been stressful for me. I'm liking my classes, especially my Digital Printmaking class. I've been making t-shirt designs. I'm really happy with how they've been turning out. I'm going to try to put them all up on my Deviantart page today hopefully after lunch.
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Update! *gasp* [Aug. 13th, 2008|08:38 pm]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Secret - Mieka Pauley]

So I found out that the ticks I thought I had weren't ticks at all, they were crabs. I have no idea how I got them... I was with Devin for a couple of weeks before I got them and I definitely hadn't been sleeping with anyone else... I don't know how I got them. Devin and I finally got rid of them this past weekend with lots of laundry and pesticide. It was not a fun problem...

Besides that, work is going pretty well. I'm making money which is good. I'm also going to Canada on the 23rd! I'm super excited about it. I'm going up there with Devin. It's a 9 day trip and we're stopping to see my Grandma and my sister on the way and turn in my commission.

Here are some fun work stories. haha. So we all like to play games with the customers. The game I play is to try to get people to design the craziest thing possible. There's this HUGE ridiculous silver frame and it's my dream to sell it to someone. My co-worker Dan has a couple of crazy things that he'd love to sell to someone. My favorite is the Infinite Jesus Effect. It's basically a box with mirrors on all sides with a Jesus in the middle and Christmas lights around the Jesus and the Mirrors make it so that there are an infinite number is Jesus. It's pretty awesome. There's also the Vortex, which is like 20 alternating black and white mats stacked on top of each other. Not as awesome as the Infinite Jesus Effect, but still pretty awesome.

I had to stay late after work yesterday to help this woman with a project, and she gave me a $20 top afterwards! It made me feel soo good about myself. I like helping people and making customers happy.

I also got a new phone!! I got the LG Dare. It's pretty amazing. I really like it. The touch screen isn't as good as the iphone's touch screen, but I like the functionality of it MUCH more. The iphone is rather silly to me. The Dare has a really good camera and pretty much has Photoshop on it. It has soo much photo manipulation software. It's pretty crazy.

Things have been going really well with Devin too, but we had a kinda tense weekend last weekend... We just kept getting on each other's nerves I guess. We had a really long talk about it afterwards, and I brought up some things that are bothering me. It was good to talk about it, so hopefully things will go better this weekend when I get to see him again.
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New job + other stuffs [Jun. 29th, 2008|10:23 pm]
[Current Location |My room]
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Conjure One]

So I got a new job! I now work in the framing department at Lenz Arts. It's a pretty exciting job. I get to do projects all day and I have minimal contact with people. I do have to deal with people sometimes though. I get to help people design their frames. It's pretty fun, but also slow work. People are often kinda stupid... and don't know at all what they want, or are very wishy-washy. It's very seldom that you get intelligent people that know what they want.

I mainly just work in the back though. I like making frames, but I do tend to cut myself a lot... especially on glass. Glass is sharp! haha. Especially the sides. I now have cuts on almost all of my fingers. It sucks. I was at work yesterday putting together a white frame, and I cut myself on something, I don't even know what, and I didn't even realize it until I started getting blood everywhere.

So work is going well, but I still need a housemate! It's very frustrating trying to find someone... No one wants to move in, or they say they're going to and then bail on me.

Besides that, Friday was Devin's birthday, so I got him some cake and ice cream as well as the best cupcakes in the world from a bakery called The Buttery, took him out to dinner, took him out to see Wall-E (which is an incredible movie), and got him a mini rose bush. He liked everything and said that he had a really great birthday. That makes me happy. I really enjoy making Devin happy. I'm quite taken with him.

I'm also getting a snake now. I went to the Trop-Aquarium store today and absolutely fell in love with this corn snake that they had. I held him and he wrapped himself all around my shorts (the ones with the chains so there was a lot to grab), and was very active and sweet. Diana has a corn snake that was soo pretty and nice, and Sam just got one too that I liked a lot. I put a deposit down on the snake today, so when I get my paycheck I'm going to get him and then try to pamper him as much as possible with a nice terrarium. hehe. I'm also probably going to name him Agro, after the horse in Shadow of the Colossus, but I'd like to hear other suggestions if anyone has one.

Devin and I spent the whole day together and didn't end up going to Pride up in SF, which is ok. I kinda feel that that's not really my scene anymore... Maybe I'm growing up...

We spent the day watching Weeds and shopping. He's going to cook me dinner soon. He's gonna make some sort of bacon thing and banana stuffed french toast. I'm super excited about that! hehe. We also went on a cleaning crusade. I made room for my snake's terrarium and we cleaned up my room, set up my demon computer and heavily cleaned the kitchen. It looks soo nice now! and my room is getting pretty swanky too. I hooked up the demon computer to my new monitor too so now I just have to press a button to switch between them. It's very nice.

Devin wants to help me make my house nicer, which is very sweet of him, and also much appreciated. I need a new entertainment center and maybe a new couch again. I super want an L-shaped couch to go in my living room.

I'll post some funny work-related stories later. I have a bunch of them. There's a lot of stuff going on in the back that the management doesn't know about...
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Weekend [Jun. 16th, 2008|08:43 am]
[Current Location |ITS Help Desk]
[mood |tired-ish/ok]
[music |office sounds again]

So things have gotten somewhat better since my last post. lol.

After work on Friday I went to my therapist, and talked with Diana on the way there. I miss Diana... but I'm going to go visit her on Thursday which I'm super excited about!

Anyways, I told my therapist about my crappy week then we looked for a new therapist together that I'm going to call once I know what my week is going to be like. Lenz Art sent me an e-mail over the weekend asking me if I can come in for an interview on Tuesday or Wednesday morning. I told them Wednesday since I'm working at the Help Desk today and tomorrow from 8-5 which sucks, but I'm making $160.

Devin came to visit me on Friday and my friend Patrick came over and we all watched like 4 episodes of TNG and got drunk. It was a lot of fun. I spent Saturday with Devin until he had to leave at like 3. Miles and Caitlyn were moving out this past weekend, so Cait's parents came down to help them move. They took us all out to Betty Burger which was soo nice of them. It was kinda a late lunch, so Devin and I only had time for one episode of Weeds before he had to leave.

After he left I played EVE because Miles had to help move out stuff until later that night after dinner when he came over and we played Tales of the Abyss for a while. Tales of the Abyss is awesome. The characters are cool, though the main guy, Luke, is a dick.

I stayed up late for some reason after that, though I can't remember why now. I was supposed to get to Devin's at like 1, but I ended up sleeping in until 1:47. Miles came at like 8am something to say goodbye. I'm really going to miss him...

I got up and called Devin right away and then started getting ready. I asked Devin if he wanted to eat with me when I got there, and he said he did, so I didn't go eat until like 3:30 or something. I left my house after getting ready and got to Devin's around 3.

Apparently if I don't eat for a while I feel really terrible... or actually, I don't really feel anything. I just kinda felt cracked out and dead until Devin took me to In-N-Out and I finally got some food. I didn't feel like myself again until after dinner. Stupid stomach meds... They make me feel muted. Devin didn't even wait for me to eat... He was like half asleep when I called so he forgot. lol.

We took his friend Chui to get her hair cut then went out to dinner with his parents. We went to TGI Fridays, which is a pretty good restaurant, they have amazing Long Island Iced Teas too, but I didn't get one tonight.
After dinner Devin and I went and saw the new Indiana Jones movie. WTF is that movie... I don't quite understand how aliens + Indiana Jones = good... The movie had some amazing CG stuff, but it just wasn't good... The only good actor was the crazy guy and even he lost his cred when he stopped being crazy.

After the movie I came back home and pulled 28 more ticks out of me. I have to be getting low on them... I hope...
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Fianls Week [Jun. 13th, 2008|10:24 am]
[Current Location |ITS Help Desk]
[mood |new-fan-tastic]
[music |office sounds]

So I haven't posted anything in like 70 weeks or something, but I feel like this week was pretty spectacularly awful to justify a post.

This was finals week for me, and having taken a week off from school for my surgery was probably not the best idea in the world since I was still an essay and some reading behind at the beginning of the week.

This awful week really started last week. My cousin Minea had been planning a trip up to Happy Camp for a while to go to her sister Anja's high school graduation. The plan was to leave on Thursday and get back on Sunday. At the beginning of last week I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go or not because of all of the work I had to get done before the 12th, but Minea guilt tripped me into going.

I also went and saw a therapist for the first time last Wednesday. I went to one up here on campus since I figured that I'm soo shitty about dealing with stress that I could probably use some help.

-tangent story about therapy-
So I went to the office, Devin walked me there and then left, and the therapist wasn't there. I knocked on her door and nothing. Some lady walking by told me that the therapist was out to lunch and would be back soon. She was like 10 minutes late, which was no big deal. We had a good session and talked about a lot of the things that are bothering me and about why I'm soo stressed. I'm going back to see her today again. She unfortunately doesn't meet with people during the summer so I'm going to have to find someone else, but that's ok. She's going to help me find someone new today after I tell her about all the shit that went down this week.

-back to horrible week story-
So Minea,her bf Steven, and I left at like 4:30 for Happy Camp since I had to go to my figure drawing class to present my final drawing, which turned out awesome, and Steven was late. I had to put in an appearance to get the points for the day. I unfortunately didn't get to say goodbye to the hot tranny guy I had been crushing on all quarter which is too bad since he's graduating and I won't be able to talk with him anymore. He's a neat guy.

It was a like 9 or something hour drive and we didn't get to my aunt's house until like 1:30am or something. We went to bed and got to sleep in. I thought that the graduation was in the morning, which is why we all left thursday night, but no, it was friday night at like 7. I have no idea why we didn't just leave on friday. I could have gone to my classes and not missed soo much. Thanks Minea...

Anyways, I spent the day doing nothing, just talking with my family and stuff. There was a dinner party for Anja at 4. The food was super good. Lots of chicken and beef and awesome potato salad. Unfortunately, like 2 hours later when it was almost time to go to the ceremony, my stomach got super upset and I spent like 30 minutes in the bathroom. Not fun.

My stomach finally started feeling better, so I was able to attend the ceremony thankfully. It was a really nice ceremony. There were only 24 kids in the class so it was blessedly short. After the ceremony we came back and watched a movie and then went to bed.

The next day Anja opened her presents and then I started to work on all the crap I was supposed to get done. I was supposed to read Carl Schmitt's The Concept of the Political on the drive up, but I totally didn't, so I had that looming over my head, as well as 3 essays. I went out to my Uncle Kevin's office and started to work on my midterm essay. It only had to be like 2 pages single spaced, so I wasn't that worried about it. I worked on it for several hours and got it done as well as some readings done.

I have super super been wanting to play EVE again, especially since my co-worker Edwin plays it and got me excited about it again. I downloaded the game while up in Happy Camp *ashamed* and played it as soon as I got back to Santa Cruz. haha. I spent a lot of time up in Happy Camp reading up about the game.

After I finished with the essay, I went back into the house and then we went down to the Naturegraph building for a big family dinner. While at the dinner I managed to get like 40 pages of the Schmitt book read and I also got an art commission!! I got commissioned by one of my aunt's friends to do a painting of a rose bush outside of her house that was absolutely covered in roses! It was stunning. I got a super good picture of it and I'm going to paint it in oils. I'm soo excited. I love oils.

I'm taking an oil painting class in the fall and I found an amazing old picture of my Grandma while up in Happy Camp. The picture is when she's like 21 and my Grandpa is showing her how to shoot a gun. The second I saw the old photo I knew that I had to paint it.

My family loves to play charades, so after dinner we played it while I read more Schmitt. There was a lack of gay movies in the game mainly because I wasn't playing. Not many people in my family know I'm gay, even though I don't hide it. We're just WASPy that way. No one talks about it.

After dinner I went back to my Aunt's house and went to bed. I wanted to leave super early in the morning, so we all woke up at like 7 and started getting ready to go. My aunt promised to pay for half of the gas money, and it cost $100 to get up to Happy Camp, so I asked for $100 for the way back. She put up a huge fight about it! It was really annoying and annoyed my parents too when I told them about it later. I finally managed to get the money out of her, but she was not happy about it.

We left at like 8:30am and didn't get home until 4:30pm. It was a LONG drive. Far too long. I managed to finish the stupid Schmitt book in the car.

The second I got back home I started work on another essay, my final essay for my TV and the Nation class. I played EVE at the same time. It was pretty awesome. I got most of the way done with it, but I had work at 8am the next day, so I finally went to bed around 1am or 2am. Devin stayed the night, but he wasn't feeling very good, and he spent a lot of time studying for his finals on tuesday.

I had work on mmonday from 8am-4pm, then I rushed home to pick up Devin and bring him to school to drop off an assignment that was due at 5. I got him there just in time. After I dropped him off I parked at the West Remote and then walked up to College 8 and met up with Mina to play some tennis. It was soo hot that we both got too tired and dehydrated to play anymore after like half an hour. As we were playing I noticed a tick in my arm, which was GROSS!!! but I didn't think much of it. I had walked through a path with tall grass without thinking.

I got home and I was covered in ticks. COVERED! They were all over my legs and crotch and ass. Devin came over and he helped me to pluck them out. We plucked soo many out of my legs. We worked on my legs first, then up to my crotch and ass. It was not fun. Devin and I also had sumer amazing sex, despite the ticks. It was hot. Devin is soo good in bed. hehe.

My legs then broke out in light purple spots and I freaked out and called Sam and she said to go to the hospital, so she came over and picked me up so Devin could work on his studying. We went to the hospital and I was admitted and the doctor came in and like viciously man-handled me while I was naked on the bed and said very abruptly that I didn't have any more ticks on me. I did not believe him. He was kinda a douche. He gave me antibiotics for lyme disease since the small ticks apparently have a higher chance of having lyme disease.

The antibiotics didn't upset my stomach for once, which is good, and I went home at like 3am. I e-mailed my boss saying that I couldn't come into work, and I slept in. I spent tuesday working on my essay more, and got almost done with it, I just needed like a page more. I also went to see my doctor about the ticks. He checked me more thoroughly, but couldn't find any. I promptly found 5 more when I got home.

I had to wake up early in the morning to go to work since my boss was letting me make up the day I missed. I really need the money, so I agreed to. Work was ok, just 4 hours. I finished my TV and the Nation essay at work, then turned that essay, and the midterm essay into my teacher, then went home and had lunch with Miles. I then worked on my War on Terrorism class essay, and cranked out 7 pages of how the world has changed since the end of the Cold War and the beginning of the War on Terror in like 3 hours. I am just that good. I know soo much about that now because of that stupid class.

I also finished all the rest of my reading for that class, leaving just 2 movies to watch. I watched some Weeds with Devin, then went to bed with him around 1 or 2. He had to wake up super early to give a presentation, but I got sleep in after he woke up and left. Once I woke up I put in my contacts and started watching "The Battle of Algiers" which was a movie from the 1960s in black and white that I had to watch for the class. There was no question or even mention of the movie on the test. I hate that class.

Anyways, I watched the movie, then had lunch at Costco with Miles, saw that they had tower fans on sale (this is important later) and then watched part III of "The Power of Nightmares" which is an AMAZING BBC documentary that everyone should watch. Then I got my notes together and organized and set out for school.

I had had some art hanging in the gay center all quarter and I needed to pick it up so I left my house early to do so. I Had to walk quite a ways to get there, finally made it and it was closed, despite the sign next to the door saying that they were open until 5pm monday-friday. Luckily my friend Ernesto lives close by and has the code for it. He came over and let me in and I collected my art and ran to my final since it was getting close to the magic hour.

I knew that the final was going to suck, and it did. It was particularly difficult since I know my shit, but it sucked. The test was open notes and I had my notes, but I didn't realize that it was also open book too and that I could use the two books for the class. That Schmitt book and The Clash of Civilizations by Samuel Huntington which was a terrible book. That man needs to read the Qur'an and take his head out of his ass. I brought neither or those books and I had managed to leave my favorite pen at home.

The final was 8 short identification and then I had to write 3 full on essays. 3 essays was excessive for the midterm and it was excessive for the final. It took me 2 hours to complete the stupid test, and I left feeling happy.

I got home and then went out to Burger King with Sam, Miles, and Caitlyn. I got 2 burgers, a drink, and a fries. I scratched off the contest thing that came on my drink and I won a free Whopper, that I went and got. Caitlyn won an apple pie and gave it to me.

Then we went back to my place and started watching season 3 of Weeds. Weeds is the best show ever. We all finished our food and then sat watching for a while. I started feeling kinda drunk... but kept it to myself for a while. I think Sam finally said that she felt drunk, and all of us agreed. There was something in the food that made us all high. It was weird... We were all soo drugged up. So we decided to get actually drunk and ran down to Longs to pick up some ice cream to make vodka milkshakes.

Sam put WAAAAAY too much vodka in the milkshakes. They were too strong and difficult to drink. haha. We did manage to finish them and finished the season of Weeds. Then they went home and...

-new fan tangent story!!-
So when I went to Costco for lunch with Miles I noticed that they had tower fans on sale. I wanted a tower fan. I've wanted a tower fan since I saw those commercials like 5 years ago for the like $500 ones from Sharper Image. On the way to Burger King we stopped at Costco and I bought the fan! mwhaha. Then we got home and ate and I totally forgot about it until like 12:45am. Then I ran out to my car in my boxers and got the fans out of my car. The box came with 2 fans, a small tower and a big one.

I set up the small one first by my computer, it's soo nice and quiet and cute! Then I spent like 30 minutes putting the big on together. I got to use a screwdriver. hehe. It came with a remote control! and it has like different type of wind settings and a timer and it's tall and pretty...

I like my new fans.

Then I went to bed at like 2am, and couldn't fall asleep for a while. Then I woke up early for work and wrote this lengthly story about my shitty week.

I still have some ticks in me and I have to find a new housemate and a job since Sam bailed on me and that blond bitch took my job for the summer.

*sigh* I'm going to have soo much to tell my therapist today...
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(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2006|12:22 pm]
My friend Diana made me get a Livejournal, so here I am...
In all honesty I probably won't update much, but I'll try to keep everyone informed of my life.

In case anyone didn't know, I have a boyfriend now. His name is Zac and he's amazing. That's pretty much it besides me getting a Wii and nearly dying trying to finish my massive art homework for the final project for my drawing class. I spent like 12 hours a day working on it, and then I also had class from 9am-5pm everyday. It was crazy and I didn't get much sleep.

I'm going to the mall to get Zac's Christmas present and to get my hair cut. Yay!
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